Looking Back...Part 2

A whirlwind. That is the only way to describe the days that immediately followed. More tests, more discussions, more tears.



I was to be closely monitored. Weekly visits to the perinatologist for ultrasound checks. There was a belief that at some point Eamon would just stop growing. Having moved somewhat past the "how committed" question, the emerging topic was on "heroics" - namely, what kind we would want performed to save our doomed "fetus".



The term "fetus" was used up to the end. The Dr (the peri mainly) never allowed any personalization of our baby. She was brutally direct and condescending of our choice to continue the pregnancy. There was definite concern that we just weren't getting it - our baby would die, probably sooner rather than later. David and I were not the typical couple, I guess. Devastated, yes. Concerned, yes. Understanding the gravity and breadth of our baby's issues, yes. But destroyed, lacking hope, full of fear, no! We were unified in our faith, believing regardless of the outcome, Eamon was our gift and God's grace would be enough. Regardless.



The visits were difficult, each one seemed to intensify the prognosis. David was with me for the initial scans, but there were too many for the possibility of joint appointments. I would try to prepare myself for each visit with Dr. Death, as she became known. I would literally lie on the table listening to her report on the present status of the my baby, and repeat "Do not fear, Tracy, your prayer has been heard!" After most meetings I would need the rest of the day, sometimes days, to gather myself back together. I would keep to my very-tight-inner-circle until I felt strong enough to reenter the world.



As providence would have it I was already the mother of two small children, Maeve -4 and Myles-2. Life needed to be normal for them. And, looking back I can only say that in my utter weakness, and at my lowest point, God was strong in me. "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9) There could be no other explanation.



I had been looking for a bible study weeks before the ultrasound. The first day of which was the morning of my exam. That placement was divine. God's word became life, literally, to my body and soul. I could not be near a scripture verse without a deep resonance within my spirit.

We were studying the Old Testament, blood shed and a culture vastly different from ours, but amidst these ancient men and women of faith God poured himself into our hearts. In the book of Numbers, twelve Israelite leaders, one representing each of the tribes of Israel, were sent to spy out the promised land - Canaan. Ten return disheartened, filled with fear for the giants they saw, and discouraged Israel from pursuing the land God had promised to them. But Joshua and Caleb returned with excitement. Indeed, Canaan was a land flowing with milk and honey. And yes, there were giants in the land, but surely their God was bigger than any giant to be encountered.

Perspective makes all the difference. The men all saw the same scene. The 10 had only man's perspective. It was limited and could easily be defeated. Joshua and Caleb saw the challenges in Canaan through God's perspective. Suddenly, my situation was illuminated for me. The Drs saw the truth, but left no room for God. David and I knew that surely there were giants in the land, but believed they were no match for our God!

Our promised land was Eamon safe in our arms.