Mourning

Usually, our days progress quite normally. We don't focus on the deficiencies, but are on constant watch for the "good news" of the day. But, some days my eyes loose their focus, and I see a reality I never imagined would exist. I have been following the story of a family that lost their newborn. Their journey often reminds me of very difficult days during our own pregnancy. We both received a fatal report at our 20 week ultrasounds, but God purposed for Eamon to live. I often wonder why I connect with her present journey. She lost her precious baby. I have my sweet boy. She is going through a grieving process, and I realized - so am I.

Life has taken us on a different journey than we planned. I always wanted at least three children. I love being pregnant. I love giving birth. I love newborns. I love nursing. I love every stage I have experienced as a mom. Life with Eamon has not allowed me to relive all the joys of development or excitement of reaching new milestones. And I am grieving that loss. Especially today.

I was pulling out clothes for Eamon that Myles had worn. Real cute summer stuff, I had ever so carefully packed away in hopes of getting the chance to reuse them. I was remembering Myles in those outfits. He was 1, just like Eamon. Only I see Myles sitting, standing, attempting first steps. Smiling and laughing and playing. I can hear his little voice, but none of this is true for Eamon. And my heart breaks.

I found two jars of baby food in the back of a cabinet this evening. Eamon's food. This time last summer, I was nursing him and introducing cereal and fruit. But now, my ears ring with a pump that brings him all his nourishment, and I feel that loss.

Trying to keep this crazy summer schedule, running all over, asking for help from the grandmas stings. I want to take my children to their activities, but it sometimes seems impossible because I can't move around quickly or easily with Eamon. I miss the normal hassle of lugging the third child around with the older siblings. I mourn losing our normal family.

Maeve remarked that I am often busy with the baby. And I felt the pain of not being able to meet everyone's needs.

Usually, I do not allow too much time for lamenting. What real good could come from that. But, there are just some moments of some days when I do, and for a short time I allow myself to simply feel the loss and be sad.

Just getting some of these thoughts out, crying as I type, has helped lift my sorrow. And as usual, God's perfect timing has allowed my current bible study to shed some light of my situation. The author is discussing the difference between what is true and the truth. It is true that Eamon is different than other children. But God's word is the Truth I depend on.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"(Eamon) is fearfully and wonderfully made...All the days ordained for (him) were written in your book before one of them came to pass." Psalm 139: 13-16

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13

I know so many pray for Eamon, and he is a good and perfect gift from above. He is who God has willed for him to be. And, we are the family God planned for Eamon to join. God could have chosen differently, on many occasions, but God in his sovereignty has ordained that Eamon would be here for such a time as this!

I am thankful for this new journey.